


Who Am I?

by CloakedTurian



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AU, F/F, F/M, Gen, ME3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-23 19:52:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7477650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloakedTurian/pseuds/CloakedTurian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riley Shepard's dreams have become more and more vivid some time after Cerberus brought her back to life.  When these dreams begin to plague her when she's awake, however, the entire crew starts to worry.  Slowly, these "dreams" begin affect Riley in all aspects of her life.  It almost feels as if they're real...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Real or Not Real?

**Author's Note:**

> [This story follows an AU I've created taking place within Mass Effect 3, near the mid-beginning. Some romantic relationships will develop, but are not the main plot. This Shepard has a Paragon tendency and her biotics are extremely developed. Ashley Williams survived, and Wrex is alive and well. I include further interactions with popular characters; I try to incorporate Ashley, Miranda, Kelly, Kasumi, and Zaeed (among others) more than I liked in the game. While not many are present in the first few chapters... they will be later. The rating is M for violence, language, and possible intimate scenes. Please enjoy!]

“Easy, Commander,” came a gentle familiar voice.

Pain shot up Riley’s side; she knew something had to be broken. Two ribs? Maybe three? Hell if she knew. She thanked Liara for helping her up, then “Oof!”ed as she placed most of her weight onto the asari holding onto her. Eventually, the injuries overcame Commander Shepard, Hero of the Citadel, and she fell towards the metal floor after consciousness slipped away.

She awoke, groggily fluttering her eyes open, but found moving wasn’t much of an option. Turquoise eyes didn’t remain open for long, however; she figured her pain medications had been a high dosage. Her hearing didn’t seem to be working right either, but she was able to catch a few hushed iterations from her favorite resident of the Med Bay.

“I’m not sure what it means,” Dr. Chakwas said, her voice somewhat warped by Riley’s currently impaired hearing. “All I know is, there seems to be nothing wrong. Her physical exams show no sign of— well, anything worse that I am used to for her body.”

‘But I’m in pain,’ Riley thought. ‘A lot of it.’

“So it’s mental?” came a steady reply.

“Possibly. It may come as an after-effect from the Cerberus ordeal… but it has been so long since then…”

“Maybe the stress has caught up to her.” ‘Fuck you, Garrus.’

“If it was stress, I should be able to see more physical manifestations. Nothing is wrong with her.”

There was quiet and an uncomfortable silence filled the room. “I think we should stop at the Citadel. I know her body best by now, but maybe there is simply something I’m not seeing.” Riley heard a noise; shuffling of feet, maybe? “I know Palaven must be tearing you to pieces, but without her—“

“No need to worry about me, Doctor.” Another shuffling noise and a few possible steps. “She’s what matters.”

A ghost of a smile tugged at her lips before sleep took her away.

_Pain. So much of it. Excruciating, enough to make her sob. She looked down at her body, Riley’s clothes covered in blood. She looked up: several Cerberus enemies, too many to count. Riley pushed herself up, her hands, nails torn and fingertips mauled, slipped on the floor from the red liquid pouring out of her. She ran, despite the pain, and jumped into a vent. She crawled as fast as she could, up different floors, tears from the pain blinding her. She had to run, she had to hide! She had to—_

“Shepard!”

Riley was wrenched away from her dream, a scream bubbling at her throat but unable to escape. Her eyes shot open, her breathing heavy and uneven, her hands grasping at her body. “I have to go, I have to—“

“You’re okay, Skipper,” came the kind yet forward voice of Ashley Williams. “You’re safe, alright? Just a dream.”

A hand came to Riley’s shoulder, but despite the intention to comfort, Riley violently removed herself from it. She all but jumped out of the bed, racing as if to find a place to run.

“Shepard.” She could hardly hear over her labored breathing, but she did feel the two hands holding her steady from behind. “Commander, it’s okay,” Samantha Traynor murmured, her voice calm and gentle. Riley came to enough to look up to her, her own hands trembling. She looked down at them, panic slowly ebbing as she saw no blood covered any part of her. The only red was her hair, slipping from her shoulders, uncharacteristically left untied.

“…It was so real…” she whispered, her arms folding around her stomach and squeezing her midsection. Traynor gently turned her around and pulled the Commander into a hug, politeness and professionalism be damned. Riley really didn’t look so good.

“Shepard, we are on our way to the Citadel,” said a worried Dr. Chakwas, stepping towards the trembling biotic with fear in her eyes. “I apologize… I do not know what is happening to you…”

“You said it felt real, correct?” asked an obviously-affected Liara, but her voice remained strong. Traynor slipped away but remained close, and the Commander was silently grateful. Riley finally raised her eyes and took a good look of the room before answering. She paused, surprised to see most of her combat crewmates were within the Med Bay, their eyes intent on her. EDI, Ashley, Liara, Garrus, Tali, Mordin, Grunt, and Traynor. Did she look that bad? “Shepard.”

Her eyes snapped back at Liara, feeling guilty for keeping her waiting when she saw the expression on the asari’s face. “Yes. It felt like… a memory.”

“What was it? What happened?” asked Garrus, his blue eyes searching her expression.

“A… battle? I was hurt really badly. My hands were covered in blood, and I think something was really wrong with my back. And I think I was shot in the stomach.” She felt dizzy, so after taking hold of Samantha’s arm, she slowly walked back to the cot she woke up in. “I looked up and all these Cerberus soldiers were everywhere. I think I heard a banshee too… I can remember everything pretty clearly, but I don’t think I’ve been there.” She paused, looking at the floor, her brow furrowed.

“Is it like what you experienced during our last mission?” Mordin asked quickly, his hand coming to his chin, his forehead furrowing. “Could be human PTSD. Brought on by extensive stress, too much for body to handle—“

“Yes.” Shepard looked up, a confused look in her eyes. “It feels similar, but stronger. I don’t think it’s stress. It feels more… powerful than a simple after effect.”

“The Normandy is about to reach the Citadel,” EDI reported, her arms folding under her chest. “If you would like, Shepard, we can move you to the Huerta Memorial Hospital within a few minutes.”

“I’d recommend going as soon as you feel able,” added Dr. Chakwas.

“Why don’t you take a break,” Liara offered, dissatisfied with Shepard’s progress. Usually, Commander Shepard recovered quickly. It was difficult to see her remain distant. Shepard’s arms still hugging at her middle didn’t calm the asari’s worries either. “If it would help… I could meld our minds together again, like we did after you discovered the Prothean Beacon.” She stepped towards Shepard, frowning. “Maybe we can sort through it together before the medical team examines you.”

Riley’s eyes lightened, warming slightly. “I would appreciate that, Liara. I know how much it took out of you back then.”

“Whatever I can do to help, Shepard,” Liara responded, her lips turning into a smile. She gently placed her hand on the Commander’s shoulder, careful not to pull at her long hair. “We’re all here for you.” 


	2. Real.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liara melds her mind with Shepard's, but what they are exposed to is nothing they expected. Nothing about these dreams is funny anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [While I'm not a great describer of gore, this chapter has some serious implications of bodily harm. Lots of blood, too. Tread carefully!]

The melding would be tough. They both knew it would be, despite how much better Liara has gotten at it. They readied themselves, Garrus announcing he would stand by in case either of them felt faint during or after the meld. Dr. Chakwas also stood by, of course; she had the gurney the Commander was sitting on ready and another for Liara. “I insist you lie down no matter what afterwards,” the Doctor had demanded earlier.   Riley still didn’t seem like she had regained all her strength, and from past experience, Liara would be weakened at the very least by the union.

“Are you ready, Shepard?” Liara asked, her eyes searching Riley’s.

“Yes,” the redhead responded as she rearranged herself on the bed, careful to have her body’s weight angled in a way that would prevent her falling off of gurney if she were to become faint. “Thank you for doing this, Liara.” She looked up at Liara, her expression softening slightly, her lips slipping into a gentle smile. “I’m glad someone else will get to prove I’m not going crazy.”

Liara gave a soft, half-hearted laugh. “I don’t want to know what your mind is like when unhinged, Shepard. You’ve seen too much.”

A short silence came to both of them, the prospect of a Shepard slowly becoming insane sending a shiver down Riley’s spine and making Liara increasingly worried about the situation.

“Let’s get through this, shall we?” Garrus interrupted, yanking the two of them out of their uncomfortable silence. “If you’re both ready.”

“Are you?” It was Riley’s turn to examine Liara’s face, and she didn’t like the expression she found. “We don’t have to do this.”

“Nonsense, I know it’ll help you,” Liara offered, shaking her head dismissively. “I’ll be alright. And so will you.” She offered a small, encouraging smile. “We’ll be alright.

“Now take my hands, Commander.” She did, and smiled at the small squeeze Liara offered her. “Close your eyes, open your mind.  Relax.”

 

“ _Embrace eternity!”_

 

_Fear overwhelmed her. She was running, her heart barely able to keep with the stress of it anymore. She clutched at her chest, her breathing erratic, as she fled from the reaper forces tearing at the room’s confining structures, following Riley. She slipped, hit her head, felt stars blind her eyes._

_Her brain briefly noted how pathetic she felt. If only she had a gun._

_She stood, pushing through the immediate throbbing at the back of her head. She continued to run, her breath hitching at the sound of a Banshee much nearer than it should be. She extended her arm, her biotics pushing the creature far from her, crashing into the advancing Brute. She let out a breath, then continued to run. Biotics and running were her only defense now. She couldn’t—_

 

_—had to be quiet._

_Riley held her breath, her body unmoving in the shaft. She prayed to any god that could hear her to not let the creatures above her find her. She remained perfectly still, relieved she had found a pocket of space in which the heat of her body was cloaked by the heat of the ship’s machine._

_She closed her eyes, cursing herself for feeling so cowardly. She shouldn’t be this afraid. But she was alone, with no way to get out of this hellhole, with everyone within the ship itself (and everything) trying to kill her. They all wanted her dead._

_And with her injuries, she would be soon._

_If only she had a—_

_—fucking fire._

_‘Get fucking wrecked,’ Riley murmured under her breath, the first twinge of a smile coming to her lips. She ran, of course, slipping into the cracks of the ship’s mechanics she now knew so well. The smoke was pulled into the vents; a disadvantage she had calculated. No vent system access meant less mobility, but she was already three floors away from the fire. She’d be fine._

_The first victory since she escaped from her restraints._

_She traversed several rooms, and found one small room cleared out while others went to control the damages. She grinned, hopped out from the ceiling, landed more gracefully than she had expected, and looted the whole place. She grabbed the bag leaning on one of the desks and stuffed it with all the food she could find and any other items that were useful. Riley slipped away again, moving among the pipes and crawlspaces, forgoing any and all rooms with non-human inhabitants._

_She wasn’t in pain anymore. Most of her injuries had healed to an extent. She could be okay._

_She could survive all—_

_—No._

_No no no no no no no no no no no no no!_

_She was stuck. She was fucking stuck and there was nothing she could do. She had one option, other than death. She scrambled away, the Brute grabbing onto her. She had to do it._

_She felt her leg crushed by the Brute’s force, and she screamed a scream louder than she had ever cried._

_She had to. A click, a second of breathing, and an explosion._

_She didn’t know what happened. She was shaking, but the Brute was dead. There was smoke everywhere, but it didn’t matter; the blood coming down from her head was already blinding her. She looked for an escape, but couldn’t… move._

_She looked down, wiping the blood away from her face. She couldn’t feel her left leg; had the Brute hurt her so bad the shock was too much for her to register? She tried to stand up and quickly fell. She couldn’t feel her leg…_

_She crawled out with great difficulty, a Banshee’s cry coming closer. She hid, slipped out, barely able to move at all. Her left leg wasn’t working properly. At least her right leg was helping her get somewhere._

_But the blood… there was so much blood. She wasn’t sure she could handle this. She was going to die if she didn’t get any professional help. Probably needed more than medigel with this throbbing ache._

_What is this ache? A pain slowly filled her, to the point of her wanting to scream. What the fuck was it? What was wrong? She had never felt—_

_Riley Shepard screamed. Loudly._

_There was no—_

Riley opened her eyes, the scream still leaving her lips. Faintly she registered the sound of Liara screaming as well, but the arms of Garrus Vakarian held her steady, even picking her up from the bed as Dr. Chakwas supported a delirious Liara. The screaming had only lasted a short moment, but even the professional Doctor and the sharpshooter were shaken by the sound.

“Have them both lie down. I’ll get something to put them to sleep,” Dr. Chakwas ordered, and Garrus quickly and carefully placed Shepard onto the bed before helping place Liara onto the other one nearby.

“No,” Liara rasped, tears filling her eyes. “I need to figure out what happened.” Her voice was shaky, her hands trembling. Riley couldn’t look at her, the panic still overwhelming her nervous system. She wished Garrus didn’t let go.

As if sensing this, he returned to her side, though he was too apprehensive to touch her without her articulating something.

Dr. Chakwas searched for certain medicines anyway, ready to inject both of them with a slight sedative. “If your shaking doesn’t stop within the next minute, I will have to override you.”

“I understand,” came a weak reply from the asari.

“My leg was gone,” Shepard whispered, her own voice unsteady.

“Shepard—“

“It was gone, Liara. Was it blown off? Was that a _grenade_?”

“It’s not your leg, Shepard. Yours is right there,” she murmured, taking a look to double check. Maybe she was losing her mind too.

“Wait, what _—_?” Garrus interjected.

He was ignored. “Yeah…” Shepard whispered back, both her hands wrapping around her thigh before she hugged both of her legs to her chest. She must have looked ridiculously pathetic, but at the moment, the Hero of the Citadel didn’t care. She was afraid.

“Liara, didn’t it feel…?”

“As if that was you?” she replied, her hands finally starting to still. “Yes.”

“More intense than a dream?”

“Yes.”

“As if—“

“As if that were you,” she confirmed, her voice weaker as she closed her eyes. “I felt it, Shepard.”

A pause. Dr. Chakwas and Garrus decided not to interrupt the silence.

“…I’m sorry, Liara.”

“Nonsense,” Liara replied, strength coming back to her voice as she slowly lifted herself to sit up. Garrus moved to help her. “These… visions have come to you in dreams?”

“And in real time,” Riley answered, her eyes turning to look at the asari. “Like yesterday. Sometimes it just hits me. But the last… ‘memory’? That was new.”

“Has it ever hurt you that badly?”

“No,” Riley replied after a moment’s thought. “Nothing like that.”

“Liara, please lie back down. You’ve stopped shaking, but your heartbeat remains unstable,” Dr. Chakwas interrupted, her hands gently coming to help Liara back onto the bed.

The asari complied without protest, Garrus also assisting. “Are you alright, Commander?” she asked, her voice soft as she settled onto the bed, her eyes focusing on the ceiling.

“I will be,” Riley answered. “I always am.”


	3. Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whatever these visions are, they're starting to try to communicate with Shepard. Unfortunately, they seem to render her useless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [I'll be starting to get into the nature of my AU in the next chapter. This fic is becoming longer in my head than anticipated.]

Riley Shepard was taken to the Huerta Memorial Hospital, but none of the doctors could figure out anything physically wrong with her. (This was ignoring all Cerberus repairs done to her, of course, and the notable strain on her body from stress; Dr. Chakwas helped identify all of her usual medical issues.) Shepard, with a few exceptions, was physically fine.

One of the doctors pulled Dr. Chakwas aside. “We fear it may be a mental illness that is plaguing her. With the stress she’s under—“

“ _—_ I do not believe that is the answer,” she said, promptly cutting him off.

Dr. Chakwas left him, his mouth open to retort, when she saw Riley getting out of the bed. “Commander,” she began, “we’re not quite sure what is wrong. Yet. I’m certain that with time…”

“We don’t have time, Doctor.” Shepard inhaled deeply, then exhaled and allowed her shoulders to drop. She then brought up her long hair and tied it back in a high ponytail to keep it out of the way. She looked up at Chakwas, a small frown on her lips. “I’ve wasted more than enough time.”

Without allowing Dr. Chakwas to protest, Shepard grabbed her overnight bag and began to walk out of the room. “Let’s head back. We’ve got too much to do.”

~*~

“Shepard, are you sure we should continue?” Liara called over the gunfire. “I’m uncertain we should be in this situation while you’re ill.”

“You think I’m ill?” Shepard yelled back as she shot a Banshee in the head.

“Scratched one!” yelled Garrus from the other side of the area. Riley continued, “Even if I am, I can’t waste any more time, Liara.”

“But Shepard—“

“I can’t,” Riley said, cutting her off as she turned to her. “I can’t, Liara. I can’t sit while people die. And _I’m_ not going to die from nightmares.”

“And what if they aren’t nightmares? Those don’t feel like made up creations, Shepard. It’s as if these… events have been imprinted onto you,” the asari explained, running beside Shepard as they progressed.

Riley didn’t answer. It was a terrifying thought; what if she was being affected by Reaper indoctrination? What if someone else, or _something_ else, was trying to control her? Or if it had nothing to do with control… what if it was a matter of scaring her?

If that was the plan, it was working.

“We have to get moving, Shepard,” Garrus called out, an odd look in his eye. “We shouldn’t stay here.”

“Yeah,” the Commander called back, beginning to frown. She shouldn’t be so distracted by this. Whatever these were (night terrors, maybe?) should not keep her from doing her job. Most importantly, she never wanted to distract herself from keeping her crew safe. “Let’s go.”

“Let’s go kick some ass,” Garrus interjected, his eyes brightening. Riley’s frown faded. If the turian unsure of the fate of his family is trying to cheer her up, she herself could keep going.

Liara also seemed to brighten somewhat. Garrus wasn’t usually too invested in the emotions of the people around him; to see him care, as she knew he did, was a warming sight. She couldn’t help but smile slightly, even as the worry pressed at her.

“Let’s go kick some ass,” Liara repeated, offering an encouraging smile to her teammates. Her teammates grinned, and moved on. It would take a lot more than these visions to break up this squad.

 

~~*~~

 

“Shepard—! _Shepard!_ ”

 _“Shepard_ …”

 _“_ Liara, I’m… I can’t…”

“Shepard, hold on!”

Commander Riley Shepard could distantly recognize her teammate holding her, but everything else was a blur. Her vision was failing her in the strangest of ways; she could sometimes _see_ Liara, but then everything would turn black before seeing… a room? She couldn’t feel anything anymore, and while she didn’t know it, her body was seizing, going into convulsions within the arms of Dr. T’Soni.

Ashley came running fiercely, an unstoppable storm as she sprinted to her Commander. She ordered Liara to let Shepard lay on her own, taking her glove off, turning it inside out, and shoving it into Shepard’s mouth. As Ashley took care of Shepard, Liara notified the Normandy, and soon Steve was landing nearby with Dr. Chakwas in tow.

“You can’t be here, Chakwas!” Ashley yelled, keeping the Commander’s head as steady as possible while the doctor ran over.

“I don’t care!” she yelled back, an uncharacteristically angry look on her features. She administered a shot into the Commander’s neck, her hands shaking, and the convulsions lessened after a few seconds.

“We have to go!” yelled Ashley, picking the Commander up and over her shoulders. Chakwas began to protest, but Ashley yelled again before she was able to protest. “ _Now!”_

The women made it back onto the shuttle, Ashley grunting under the weight of her Commander, putting her down as gently as she could on the gurney Dr. Chakwas brought with them.

_“Riley.”_

Shepard couldn’t focus on anything going on around her, didn’t even feel her head hit against the pillow, nor did she feel a hand clenching hers. She couldn’t hear Liara calling for her, or Dr. Chakwas fussing over her, nor could she hear Ashley ordering the team around (though Shepard would have been proud).

No, all she could hear was a familiar voice calling to her, her vision unable to see what was being shown to her.

_“Riley."_

“Hello?” Commander Shepard called, her own voice faint. The crew looked at each other, furrowed brows and wide eyes.

“Riley.”

The voice wasn’t faint anymore. It was in her ear, loud, clear.

A flash— a flicker of red. The familiar voice again, “Riley.”

“What? What do you need?” Shepard called, talking to no one in the room with her.

“ **You**.”

It all faded to black.

 

~*~

 

Shepard awoke slowly the next morning, cold and shaking. Her eyes felt strangely dry and she felt exhausted. She turned her head and found none other than Garrus Vakarian snoozing on a chair near her, his eyes closed as he snored quietly. She would have smiled under any other circumstance.

“Shepard?” Dr. Chakwas called, waking the turian. Shepard turned her head to the doctor, her eyes blinking more slowly than usual.

“I’m okay,” she replied, “but what happened?”

“We’re on our way back to Huerta Memorial,” Dr. Chakwas explained, a frown pulling at her lips. “You seemed to faint, then your body underwent violent convulsions. You must stay in bed until we can get you to someone who can help you better.”

Shepard closed her eyes again, remembering the voice that called to her. She didn’t want to return to Huerta Memorial Hospital, and she definitely didn’t want to deal with more doctors. “I’m not sick, Doc. I think… someone is trying to communicate with me.”

Dr. Chakwas stepped closer to her, watching her. At least the Commander’s pupils weren’t surrounded by red again. “What do you mean?” she asked, her own eyes scanning the Commander’s face. “…You seemed to be trying to talk to someone while you were unconscious.”

Commander Shepard nodded, though she stopped once a wave of dizziness came through because of it. “I heard something. Someone. She was female, and incredibly familiar…”

“Can you pinpoint who it is?” asked Garrus, his voice deep and metallic after just waking.

“…She sounded like my mother,” replied the Commander, her head turning so her eyes could focus on the ceiling. “One of my visions… I think it was her hair.”

Dr. Chakwas paused, watching the soldier intently. “Do you think she was trying to communicate with you, Commander?”

“No,” Riley replied flatly. “My mother is dead.”


End file.
